(Sorry guys, but it's a repost. I've been very busy and it's either a repost or no blog updates at all.
If Kevin Smith would guest post for me, it would all sort itself out of course, so any of you want to
harass the hell out of him ask him nicely, be my guest. I'll be catching up with all the blogs I'm behind with over the next few days too, so sorry to everyone I haven't commented on in a while).
(the A is for Anna. The Latin is for posh people with too much time on their hands)
My friend
Dougie has been losing his words. They used to all be in his head, but lately they wait till he's sleeping then make a break for it and he wakes up at least 10% less wordy than he was before he went to bed.
I lose words too; mostly when I try to write proper stuff that might get published if it ever got written. They crawl out of my ear, run down my arm and jump out the window, leaving me with only cliches and adverbs clogging up my brain. Little bastards.
But I'll get my own back on runaway words. We don't need you. We only need 7 words to get us through any situation:
1) No.How much less trouble I would get myself into if I could only work this one into conversations more often. You don't need to say yes, the yes is implied by the fact that you are doing what was asked/suggested/not remotely implied of you.
No, on the other hand comes in useful from time to time. I'm working on it.
2) Fuck.
Ahh, good old fuck. Fun to say, even funner to do. Fuck off, fuck you, fuck me, fucknugget, shut the fuck up, oh fuck - not to mention all the variations: fucker, fucking, fucked... never has a word been more useful to the human race.
Try to get through a whole week without saying it. If you can, then me and you probably can't be friends because you're fucking weird.
3) Totally.I totally hate this word, but I totally use it all the time. We all do. It used to be for teenage cheerleader types, but somehow it's become a part of adult vocabulary. We use it to agree with people, to add emphasis, to nod and say it on its own for no apparent reason. It's annoying, but it totally has its uses.
4) Rum.
There is nothing that cannot be solved by rum. It works in one of two ways:
1) Making you drunk enough to forget what you were worried about in the first place.
2) Making you drunk enough to do something much worse than the thing you were worrying about before you got drunk, thereby negating the need for worrying about it any more.
And no.2 can easily be solved by more rum.
"Can I get you anything?"
"Rum"
"How can I help you?"
"Rum"
"How do you think we can solve the problems in the Middle East?"
"Rum"
"Why did you paint my cat blue then run down the street naked singing I'm Too Sexy and assaulting random passersby?"
"Rum"
See? You can use it for any situation. Plus, it's what pirates drink.
5) Cunt.Some people are shocked by this word (those people are mostly not Scottish because we probably use it more than we say "the" or "and"). Some people think it's a lewd and filthy word only said by vulgar hoodlums who should be in prison for the good of society.
But some people are wrong. Cunt is a wonderful word.
If you've ever wanted to describe Margaret Thatcher, shut up a room full of people because you don't care if you get bad attention or good attention as long as you get attention or have phone sex that's actually good, then cunt is the word for you.
A few years ago, I went to see a production of The Vagina Monologues (I hate the word vagina, it sounds like a disease) and the origins of the word cunt and the reasons it's not supposed to be degrading were explained to me.
I was drinking rum, so I forgot what the reasons were, but it did make me feel like I was doing something for woman's lib when I shouted it at the guy who parked in the disabled space at the theatre even though he wasn't disabled.
Enunciation is the key: slowly and lovingly run your tongue over every letter when using it, making sure to properly pronounce the "t" at the end and you'll see it's a cunting awesome word.
(now in adjective form)
It's a great writer who spawns his very own word to describe something. Even if that something is scary governments, lack of privacy and the lies told to us by The Man.
This word is useful in almost all talks of politics because almost all politics uses propaganda. You just say "Orwellian" somewhere in the middle of the discussion, listen to someone cleverer than you making what has so many big words in it, it must be a good point, then nod and say "totally".
Using Orwellian negates the stupidity of using totally. It suggests you've not only read a book, you've read a good book and you understood what was going on in it well enough to use the word Orwellian.
It's also useful in relationships.
"But you said you'd take the bin out/keep Saturday night free/not fuck my best friend".
"No... what I said was I would
try"
"Orwellian"
7) So. So, here we are at number 7.
"So?"
"So..."
"Ah-so!" (proceeds to try to chop through coffee table with bare hands).
You can agree, dissent or express disdain with this word. It needs no further explanation.
So...
Let's use what we've learned and see how these 7 words will get you through any situation. Especially when dealing with people who think they can outwit you with excessive vocabulary:
You: Rum.
Them: I'm not giving you any more rum.
You: Fuck.
Them: You brought it on yourself.
You: Cunt.
Them: You know it'll only get you into trouble
You: Totally. So?
Them: Can't you maybe just
not drink rum?
You: Fuck no.
Them: I'm cutting off your rum supply and sending your photo to every rum supplier in town telling them to do the same.
You: Orwellian.
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