5 Reasons I Could Totally Kick Wonder Woman's Ass

Reason No 1: Cellulite

Wonder Woman does not have cellulite. She does not care about the newest miracle cream or which bristles are best for body brushing.

(note: for the men reading this, body brushing is a cruel and unusual type of punishment, probably invented by a man, for the purposes of getting rid of cellulite. Cellulite is the stuff that Elle McPherson has. Yes, that's right. A woman called The Body also has it. But apparently we should get rid of it anyway. By body brushing. It works by hurting).

Wonder Woman not having it gives me the advantage of jealous rage. But more than that, it allows her to wear skin tight hotpants. That's skin tight hotpants. In fact, they're not even really hot pants, they're more just big knickers. Yes, Wonder Woman wears her I've Got My Period knickers on the outside.

And all because she doesn't have cellulite.

(that's not what she uses that for when nobody's looking)

I, on the other hand, keep my underwear firmly on the under. It's why it's called that, see? If I had the dimple-free thighs of Ms. Woman, then maybe I wouldn't (no maybe about it, I'd be walking about in a thong with a neon sign on my ass that said "Look at my silky smooth thighs"). But I don't, so I don't.

Therefore, my clothes are about a gazillion times more conducive to doling out ass-kickings than Wonder Woman's. The chick'd get maybe one half decent kick in then have to stop to adjust herself before we all saw what she'd had for breakfast.

Reason No. 2: The Height Advantage

Wonder Woman comes from a planet of Amazonian girlies. She is 6 freaking foot tall. It's difficult enough to find a man that tall. Trust me, I try. But for a woman, 6ft is what is otherwise known as Really Fucking Tall.

I, on the other hand, am 5'3". That may be what is known as Really Fucking Short, but if you say it to my face I'll bite you. Seriously. I have freakishly strong jaws.



Now, it may seem that Wonder Woman has the advantage here. If the dick in the bar who spills his drink on you and makes you turn round all posture-y and grrrr-like turns out to be twice your size, you'll probably shite it. But you're forgetting one thing:

Tall people can't fit into small places.

All I have to do is crawl under the nearest table and in the time it's taken her to fold herself up small enough to go in after me (the table is nailed to the floor, so she can't lift it, smart arse), I've already shot 4 poisoned darts into her ankles.

Note: always carry a supply of poisoned darts with you. You never know when they'll come in handy.

Reason No. 3: The Truth Hurts.

Wonder Woman has a Lasso of Truth. It pretty much does exactly what it says on the tin (as opposed to the other product which claims to but just leaves big globs of varnish all over everything except the thing you wanted it on). Once you've been roped into the Lasso of Truth, you are forced to tell the truth. Which seems a bit of a complicated way of doing things, but it was probably the best America had before they invented water boarding.

It also suggests Wonder Woman's a freak of the Rick James variety and is rather partial to a spot of bondage, but that's a whole other post.

Go ahead Wo-Wo (you don't mind if I call you Wo-Wo do you?), make me tell you the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me Flying Spaghetti Monster. It's going to hurt you more than it'll hurt me.

You want to know what I really think of your Amy Winehouse rip-off hairdo? Or the fact that your Vambraces, like, totally don't match your outfit? Go ahead, ask me. Or how about this:


This is Thomas Tresser, aka Nemesis. He's the guy who makes Ms. Woman go all weak at the knees and have Brazilian waxes. Even her mother loves him.

Well. Last night in a bar, I bumped into Tom. He'd had a few too many and we got to talking. He was lamenting the fact that his woman just isn't there for him man. Just once, he said, he wanted a normal girl. One who didn't run off just as things were getting steamy to go and save the world. One who wasn't taller than him. Awwww. One thing led to another... Oh no, you're not taking that Lasso off me now Wo-Wo, we're just getting to the good part...

Reason No. 4: Xenophobia gets it right for once.

Wonder Woman is not from here. Not only is she not from the same town as you, she's not from the same country. She's not even from the same fucking planet.

And she has weapons.

(Wonder Woman's Myspace friends. Probably.)

Yeah, you heard me right - she actually has weapons. We don't just think it. We don't just say it because it suits us even though we know they don't really exist. She's got them.

Did I mention she's not from here?

Calling Bill O'Reilly. Come in Bill O'Reilly.

If you've ever read the Daily Mail, watched Fox News or listened to a taxi driver talking, then you know what needs to be done.

You don't even have to worry about the law. You just have to call her a terrorist and the Patriot Act will let me take care of the rest.

Because I am from here.

That's right, an Earthling born and raised.

Public opinion is on my side. And that counts for a hell of a lot more than weapons. Just ask O.J

Reason No. 5: Feminism is only for women who can't get laid

Wonder Woman is supposed to be a feminist icon. But, she was created by a man. This man made the mistake of making Wonder Woman a gazillion times hotter than your average woman.


Whilst looking at an image like this might make most straight men need to put a cushion over their crotch, most straight women look at this and the first word out of their mouth will be "Bitch!"

Yep, us women just don't like each other very much. Especially the pretty ones.

Wonder Woman may have a Lasso of Truth, Vembraces, super speed and agility and an invisible plane at her disposal, but I have this:Times a million.

Stay down, bitch.