5 Reasons I Could Totally Kick Batman's Ass

Batman. The acceptable gay crush for straight men everywhere. The coolest of the superheroes, even though he doesn't actually have any superpowers. Maybe because he doesn't have any superpowers. Grumpy bugger too.
As many of you know/couldn't care less, I have already kicked Wonder Woman's ass. Now, it's Mr Wayne's turn:

Reason no. 1: He's going to have to catch me first.


I've never been able to figure out why Americans call petrol gas, since gas is very clearly not petrol. But, since Batman is American, I'll refer to it as gas just this once.

Gas is expensive. Really, really expensive. And Bruce Wayne might be richer than a Saudi Royal, but he drives this:


Not to mention the face there's nowhere in his batsuit to keep a wallet. Plastic, you say? How is Batman supposed to pay for things using Bruce Wayne's credit card?

Let's just see him try to catch me on this:



Reason no. 2: Blackmail

What do you think might be lurking in the hard drive of a man who dons rubber nipples on a regular basis? A man who wears a rubber mask in his spare time?

That's right Bats, I've got your PC.

You want the world to know about this?


Or the fact that the only reason Katie Holmes got the part in Batman Begins is because she doesn't mind shacking up with a man who shares his bed with another man (note to lawyers: allegedly. It has nothing to do with Tom Cruise who I accept is fully heterosexual and in no way batshit insane).

No? Well then be a good boy and don't fight back.

Reason no. 3: Heeeeeeeere's Johnny!


You know who everyone used to think the best Joker was? Jack Nicholson. You know who everyone thinks the best Joker is now? Heath Ledger. You know who's fault that isn't? Jack Nicholson's.

Jack made a great Joker. But Jack never got Christopher Nolan's vision to work with. Not Jack's fault. Heath, on the other hand, did and he made the only truly terrifying comic book villian in a movie out of it.

But you know who I'm telling Jack was to blame for it? Batman.

If Batman wasn't such a maudlin fucker, the Joker could have stayed all comical with a dash of camp evilness. But no, not Batman. He has to sink deeper and deeper until the only Joker that would do as an adversary was the Heath Ledger one.

Do you know how much pussy Jack missed out on as a result of this? Neither do I, but I'm telling him it's a lot. If there's one thing Jack Nicholson hates more than bathroom doors and dour-faced nurses, it's missing out on pussy.

Batman, your days are numbered.

Reason no. 4: The Credit Crunch


As we have covered, Batman doesn't have any actual superpowers. Instead, he had a very rich mummy and daddy. Now, apart from the fact this means he's basically Paris Hilton with a penis, it also means that he's almost entirely reliant on expensive gadgets to get his superheroing done.

I'm not talking iPod expensive here. I'm talking paying off 3rd World debt with enough left over to cover Donald Trump's divorces expensive.

But the economy is in the toilet. People are selling shares in Wayne enterprises like they got them at a car boot sale.

All I have to do is break some stuff, and there's no way he can justify company expenses to replace it. And I can break stuff without even trying.

Batman may have all sorts of ninja training, but you know what fighting people without all the cool shit he's got would make him?


Yeah, not so scary now.

Reason no. 5: There is one person in the world people think is cooler than Batman


That's right, Batman, I've got Obamaman on my side.

If you think Bruce Wayne is anything other than a dyed-in-the-wool Republican, you are very much mistaken. You don't think Wayne enterprises got where it did by giving a fuck about the little people, do you?

Sure, people say they're all with the compassion, what with building affordable housing in bad areas for poor people to live in.

You can call that compassionate. I call it being a slum lord (seriously, Gotham's a shithole).

Plus, there's tax breaks for the rich. How do you think Batman's batmobile keeps getting cooler?

There is no way Bruce Wayne would have voted for Obama. You hear that?

Bruce Wayne actually wanted Sarah Palin to run the most powerful country in the world after John McCain popped his clogs.

Stay down, bitch.