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We need a new Jesus. Well, a new messiah. The old one is... kinda old. Plus, not everyone is convinced of his general messiahness. So I've rounded up some new candidates (being dead is not an obstacle to doing this job):

1) Kevin Smith



CV: Mostly consists of dick jokes and getting stoned.

Pros: He turned Alanis Morissette into God (back when we all still liked her). The high points on The Affleck's resume are mostly down to him - which means he supports the underdog. Loves nature (ok, in the form of the cannabis plant, but it's still nature).
He's good at public speaking. If you've seen any of his Evening With... DVDs, you'll know he can hold the attention of a crowd of frat boys and Star Wars geeks for hours at a time. Considering the internet needs to like you for you to win any election these days, holding the attention of Star Wars geeks is a pretty important task.

Cons: May have a tendency to get so stoned he forgets to do things that need to be done. Y'know, like world peace and stuff.
The sermon on the mount could take days to get through if he goes off on a tangent about what happened the last time he did a weird shit.

2) Samuel L. Jackson


CV: Being really fucking cool.

Pros: As evidenced by his stellar work in Pulp Fiction, dude knows his bible quotes. Well, one bible quote, but he makes it sound awesome.
What screwed us the first time round was listening to that snake. Samuel L. Jackson knows how to deal with snakes (you may take a moment here to scream "I'm sick of these muthafuckin' snakes on this muthafuckin' plane!" I know I did).
Also, as seen in The 51st State, he looks great in a kilt. I'm Scottish, that's a bonus to me.

Cons: May be more into retribution than forgiveness. Which could deal with the overpopulation of earth quite nicely, but could also be extremely fucking scary.

3) John Belushi


CV: Funny. Drugs.

Pros: He was Jake Blues. We would all get to party all the time. He was Jake Blues. We would all get to party all the time shouting "Toga, toga, toga!". He was Jake Blues.

Cons: We may find it difficult to keep up.

4) Joan Rivers



CV: Funny woman turned Oscar outfit putdowner (yes, that's a word).

Pros: She's funny. She's also Jewish, which Jesus was. She also may or may not be dead, which applies to Jesus too. And I've always felt the bible was lacking in vagina jokes. Joan would fix all that for us. Plus, she'd make everyone dress well.

Cons: Man, she can grate. Like a nail down a blackboard.

5) B.A Baracus


CV: Soldier of fortune.

Pros: Jesus lacked in bling. Everyone would do what they were damned well told. Plus, the ability to walk on water would save him from ever having to get on no damn aeroplane. Instead of saying we show our compassion for the meek who have strayed from the flock, we could just say "I pity the fool".
Jesus should totally have an afro mohawk.

Cons: Given his incessant acceptance of drinks from a group of guys who keep drugging him, he'd be assassinated within a week.

6) Sean Connery


CV: Being James Bond, having the best voice ever.

Pros: He's Scottish. Well, that's a pro to me. He's suave, looks possibly even better in a kilt than Samuel L. Jackson.
He's James freaking Bond. I want my Jesus to drink martinis. I want Mary Magdalene to be called Pussy Galore. I want my preaching done to me in Sean Connery's voice. I'm fairly sure it would make me do whatever I was told.

Cons: Apparently, he's a bit of a misogynist. Should I rant about how that's never stopped previous religious figures? No. It was implied by my asking. Also, I think he'd pretty much only concern himself with Scotland. Great for me, not so much for most of the rest of the world.

7) Groucho Marx


CV: Being the best brother, saying the funniest things ever said.

Pros: Look, I'm just going to list you some Groucho Max quotes so you can see for yourself:

"Go, and never darken my towels again."

"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."

"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."

"I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member."

"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."

Plus, the guy danced a Charleston on the rubble of Hitler's bunker.

Cons: If you're a doubting Thomas type, you've had it. There is no way you will ever win an argument with this man. He'll make you look stupid before you finish your first sentence.

So there you have it folks, the candidates are ready. Who gets your vote?

(by the way, read the comments here then check out Trodo's post. The girl's insane).